I first heard of the book Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) by Michael Hebb in a podcast episode of Rule Breaker Investing hosted by David Gardner. I listed the episode but was skeptical about the book.

After hearing Michael Hebb presence in other episodes and thinking about it, I decided to pick up a copy of the book at a local public library and give it try.

I was surprised. The book made me think about things that I have never thought about before and in this post, I share some of my learnings from the book Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner).

This post is part of the series Learnings from books where my goal is to share what I learned from the book that I read. It is a mixture of review and summary with a bit of my opinion and point of view. But, as reviews, these learnings can say more about me than the book itself, so I trust that you the smart reader will take it with a grain of salt.

Learnings from Let’s talk about death (over dinner)

The main message that I got from the book is that we have to talk more about death, it is part of life (the final chapter, but still part). We are a society that is obsessed with self-improvement related to life. We try to improve everything but don’t try to improve our lives in the context of death and that is why the books try to open the gates to more discussions related to it.

The book is based on many conversations that the author had during dinner conversations in the project Lets have dinner and talk about death.

Dinner

My first take is not related to death itself, but to dinner. We usually try to make the guests’ only duty to enjoy dinner, but as the author said, "… humans are tribal creatures; we derive our value from what we contribute. So when people ask, as they unerringly do, “What can I do to help?” I always have an answer."

When hosting dinner, it is an excellent idea to let people help, as they will derive more value from the experience. When we have someone at home, let them help.

Death

About death, it “has many shades: it is the loss of a loved one; the reckoning with that fact that we are all mortal and the sweetness and tragedy that gives life; and it is also the little deaths, the things in us that must die in order for us to grow and become our authentic selves”

But it also has a logistical side, talking about death can help us understand how our loved ones would like to be honored when they die. How they want the funeral service to be, how they want to speak, what song, and who they want to be singing it.

By knowing how to honor our loved ones, we can reduce a lot of the logistical worries and focus our energy on mourning. “Talking is the best way to leave everyone prepared and unburned them for making decisions in an emotional state and with your wishes of the way you want.”

The book also talks about the end of life care and the importance of having directives on how you wish to live your last days/months/year and it also talks about the topic of medically ending the life.

“The studies are clear: open conversation with your family, doctors, and caregivers about your end-of-life wishes results in better care, less suffering, and a longer life. Conversations about death have even proved to make us funnier and more willing to laugh.”

More than half of the book has examples of prompts that are used in dinner conversations full of personal stories about each prompt. It gives you some idea of what you can use if you plan to talk about it with your family. Like “What does a good death look like?”, “Would you ever consider doctor-assisted suicide?” “Why don’t we talk about death?” “What do you want to be done with the body?” and many others.

Be prepared for an intersection of grief, humor, joy, pain, loss, personal history, and the desire to connect deeply with other humans that emerges at these dinners.

“Every conversation about death is unique, as is every human heart. DNA, epigenetics, childhood, culture, trauma, ego, self-esteem, hurt, joy, pain. All these factors knit the heart into endless variations.”

The book makes me think about a lot of stuff that I have never thought about, like making a will, how I want my funeral to be, etc. But most important of all, it enabled my first conversation about death with my wife (not over dinner, but over whiskey) and it was good to get to know more about her and her wishes.

It also made us think about planning to host a dinner and talk about death with my parents and my wife’s parents. We know nothing about how they want to be honored when they die.

Favorite quotes

To finish, I liked to share three quotes from the book.

  • “We’re all going to die,” she [Jamaica] said thoughtfully. “We can either accept it or make it a shit show for everyone around us.”
  • “Everything we say about death is actually about life!’ by Kyoko Mori.
  • “When your fear touches someone’s pain, it becomes pity, when your love touches someone’s pain, it becomes compassion.” by Stephen Levine.

Other resources

This section is extra and here I compliment the post with content from other sources that resonate with the book.

These are my learnings from the book Let’s Talk About Death (Over Dinner) by Michael Hebb. A special thanks to David Gardner who recommended it to me and to Vancouver Public Library (VPL) for allowing access to the book for free.

Happy reading!

Liked this post? Check out other posts part of the series Learnings from books where my goal is to share what I learned from the book that I read. It is a mixture of review and summary with a bit of my opinion and point of view