I am not a hundred percent sure where I first heard about this book, but most likely it was via the Head of Sales from the Company that I work for. In one of the meetings, he mentioned that it was a required read for the new people on his team. After a few months, I listened to a Chris Voss interview on the Lex Fridman podcast (link at the end of the post) so I got more and more curious about the book.

Let’s now see more about the book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.

This post is part of the series Learnings from books where my goal is to share what I learned from the book that I read. It is a mixture of review and summary with a bit of my opinion and point of view. But, as reviews, these learnings can say more about me than the book itself, so I trust that you the smart reader will take it with a grain of salt.

Learnings from Never Split the Difference

The book is really good, it has a lot of examples of situations that demonstrate well the principles in the book. The reading is enjoyable and fun.

The book is full of learnings, but to not be a too-long post, I will share the 5 most important learnings from the book.

Focus on how you say it not only on what you say

We usually put a lot of effort into the words that we choose during a conversation and negotiation, but watching for the tone of voice is also important. As the author mentions, “There are essentially three voice tones available to negotiators: the late-night FM DJ voice, the positive/playful voice, and the direct or assertive voice.” late-night FM DJ voice: Calm, soothing voice used to scale down situations and assert trust and authority. positive/playful voice: builds comfort, rapport, and collaboration. direct or assertive voice: used to assert dominance (but mostly should be avoided).

Put all the ugly on the table at the start

When you have something bad to say or you have a weak point in the negotiation, you should say the worst things about yourself and say them before the other person can. Conducting a proactive accusation audit equips you to proactively address potential issues before they become a problem. Additionally, when these accusations are vocalized, they often appear exaggerated, prompting the other person to assert that the opposite is, in fact, true.

Don’t be afraid of a NO

When we are negotiating, we are usually afraid of NOs. But when the person says “No” it gives them the feeling of safety, security, and control. When you ask a question that leads to a “No” answer, your counterpart believes that by refusing, they’ve established their control. Skillful negotiators actually appreciate and encourage a clear “No” at the beginning because it shows the other party is actively participating and considering the situation.

Label their emotions

Rather than rejecting or neglecting emotions, effective negotiators recognize and influence them. It is important to accurately label not only the feelings of others but, crucially, their own.

Labeling is a method of affirming someone’s emotions by recognizing them. When you put a name to someone’s feelings, you demonstrate your empathy with their emotional state. This helps you connect with the person without prying into external factors you might not be aware of. As the author says, “Think of labeling as a shortcut to intimacy, a time-saving emotional hack.”

Ask “How”

Asking “How” questions makes the other person hear like a problem to be solved. So asking questions like “How am I supposed to do that?” makes the other person help you fix your problem. “How” questions are also open-ended questions, so instead of closing the communication, it opens and expands it.

Similar to gentle language such as “perhaps,” “maybe,” “think,” and “it seems,” calibrated open-ended questions defuse the hostility in a confrontational statement or a closed request that could potentially irritate your counterpart. Their effectiveness lies in their flexibility, as they invite your counterpart to interpret them rather than being explicitly defined. This enables you to present thoughts and requests in a non-imposing or pushy manner.

Favorite quotes

These are my 5 favorite quotes from the book.

“But allow me to let you in on a secret: Life is negotiation.”

“Remember you’re dealing with a person who wants to be appreciated and understood.”

"‘That’s right’ is better than ‘yes.’ Strive for it. Reaching ’that’s right’ in a negotiation creates breakthroughs."

“While we may use logic to reason ourselves toward a decision, the actual decision-making is governed by emotion.”

“As a negotiator, you should strive for a reputation of being fair. Your reputation precedes you. Let it precede you in a way that paves success.”

Other resources

This section is extra and here I compliment the post with content from other sources that resonate with the book.

These are my learnings from the book Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It written by Chris Voss with Tahl Raz. A special thanks to Vancouver Public Library (VPL) for allowing access to the book for free.

Happy reading!

Liked this post? Check out other posts part of the series Learnings from books where my goal is to share what I learned from the book that I read. It is a mixture of review and summary with a bit of my opinion and point of view